when i feel alone, i reach for you (and you bring me home)
by softiesharpie
Summary: Sara feels guilty for what happened to Mick in 5x03 and can't shake the feeling that she failed her team again.


Sara leaned against the wall of the galley as she watched the team go their separate ways.

There was a feeling of unease in her stomach, her heart beat slightly quicker than normal as she recalled what'd happened that day. Specifically, what'd happened to Mick.

She couldn't stop thinking about it; seeing Mick get burned right in front of her, watching him die in her arms, feeling like she'd failed the team again.

The image of Mick was playing on a loop in her brain, her breathing uneven as she thought about the months she'd spent in the Vanishing Point. Those months felt like years, years that her team had been dead because of her.

Mick could've died today, permanently. The thought of that made Sara feel sick.

She needed to see him to make sure he was okay, even though she knew logically that he was safe in his room.

It'd been easy to not think about it, with her mind being occupied with finding the encore and the prom night she'd shared with her team.

It had distracted her for awhile, but now that she was alone with her thoughts, she couldn't stop thinking about it.

She felt her heart racing and heard the taps that her heels made on the floor as she quickly walked to Mick's room.

She opened the door without thinking and let out a sigh of relief when she found him sitting on his bed with a beer in his hand.

He looked up at her with a frown. "What?"

Sara let out a shaky breath and shook her head, still feeling uneasy for some reason. "N-nothing, it's j-just... how are you feeling?" She said, trying to not sound as anxious as she felt.

Mick frowned more. "Fine, why?"

"N-no reason." Sara shook her head again. "H-have a g-good night." She turned around and quickly left, leaving Mick confused in his room.

She started walking to her room, her pace quickening to a jog as she approached the door.

When it opened and she saw that Ava wasn't there, she panicked.

"A-Ava?" She choked out, looking in the closet. "Aves?" Her voice sounded smaller than she would've liked.

She felt lightheaded, head swimming as she frantically looked through their room. "Ava?!" She asked again, pulling the flat sheets off of the bed as if Ava could've been under them.

She dropped to her knees and looked under the bed, panicking more when Ava still wasn't there.

All she could see was Mick and his charred, deceased body in her arms.

She choked out a sob as she stood up on shaky legs and ran out of the room. She looked around the hallway, her breathing coming out in harsh pants as her mind raced.

"Captain, Miss Sharpe is in your office." Gideon's voice suddenly said.

Sara had never been more grateful for the A.I..

She ran to her office and found Ava sitting on the couch, recording her podcast. She let out a quiet sob at the sight, alerting her girlfriend.

Ava stopped mid sentence and frowned when she saw Sara's state. She quickly turned off the recorder and stood up.

"Babe? Babe, what's wrong?" She asked, worried.

Sara couldn't help it, she fell to her knees and broke down, sobbing into her hands.

Ava quickly went over and kneeled down beside her.

She made sure not to touch her, knowing that sometimes touch could do more harm than good when Sara was breaking down like this.

"I'm here. I'm here, love." She said in the softest voice she could manage, trying to get Sara to focus on her voice and not her clearly distressing thoughts.

"Everything's okay. The team is safe and Mick's okay." She added, watching Sara break down more at that.

She bit her lip. "Can I touch-" before Ava could finish asking if she could hold her, Sara fell into her arms.

Her heart broke as she felt her girlfriend tremble against her. "He's okay, everything's okay, my love." She whispered and held Sara close as she slid down to her knees.

"M-Mick he..." Sara trailed off with a sob, hiding her face in Ava's neck.

Ava kissed her temple. "Mick's okay." She repeated.

Sara shook her head and cried. "H-he died... in m-my arms. He died again because of m-me." She said. The pain of what happened in crisis hit her full force combined with the knowledge that she'd let one of her team members die, again.

It took Ava a second to figure out what Sara meant by again, but when she did, she just softened and held her closer.

"It wasn't your fault, my love." Ava whispered and when Sara opened her mouth to argue, she quickly continued, "you couldn't have known that the killer would be Freddy's mom instead."

"Y-yeah but-" Sara started, but Ava softly cut her off.

"But nothing. What happened today wasn't your fault and what happened in the crisis wasn't your fault either."

Sara looked like she wanted to argue, but she was just so tired, so she let herself slump in Ava's arms as she slowly got her breathing under control.

Ava's legs started to feel numb from sitting on her knees for that long, so she helped Sara stand and guided her over to the couch where she'd been recording her podcast.

They sat down together, Sara immediately putting her arms around Ava as she leaned into her, hiding her face in her neck.

"It just hurts s-so much." Sara whispered after many minutes of silence.

Ava nodded. "I know, love." She said and gently leaned her cheek against the top of Sara's head.

"If I could take away all of the pain you're feeling, I'd do it in a heartbeat." She said truthfully. "But... feeling the pain, as much as it hurts, will help you process through it."

Sara sniffed and listened to Ava talk.

Her girlfriend's voice had always been able to calm her down, but she just couldn't shake the unease she felt every time she thought about what happened to Mick.

"You know," she started, "for someone who claims to not be good with feelings, you're pretty good at talking me through mine."

Ava smiled and brought her hand up to gently play with Sara's hair.

After the incident with the documentary team, she'd been worried about not being able to be the person Sara needs to help her through her crisis trauma. So it felt nice to hear it from Sara that she was doing a good job.

"I love you." She whispered, feeling Sara relax into her even more.

Sara let out a long sigh and closed her eyes. "I love you more."

Ava smiled and shook her head, "not possible." She said, moving the hand that wasn't playing with Sara's hair down to Sara's lap, taking her hand in hers and giving it a small squeeze.

"Very possible." Sara said sleepily, the exhaustion from the day and from her breakdown was finally setting in.

Ava just smiled fondly and said, "we should get you to bed, honey." She could tell how tired Sara was now.

Despite Sara's reluctance to move, she did figure that their bed would be much more comfortable than this couch. So she let Ava help her up and guide her to their room.

They both got ready to sleep before they got in bed, instantly finding their way to each other to cuddle.

Sara stayed quiet for a moment, her head resting on Ava's chest as she gently played with Ava's fingers.

She was trying to gather her thoughts, but it was hard to think straight when she was so emotionally exhausted.

Ava just watched Sara's movements, holding her close as she waited.

"I have a headache." Sara finally said with a groan and Ava reached over to turn off the lamp.

"You should sleep, love." Ava whispered, feeling Sara fiddle with her hand for a bit before taking a firm hold of it and letting out a deep breath.

Sara bit her lip, hesitating.

Ava frowned, "what is it?"

Sara sighed and shook her head. "Nothing, it's just- I'm... I'm scared." She admitted, almost too quiet for Ava to hear her.

"When I-I close my eyes all I can see is- is Mick a-and I don't want to have a nightmare." She sniffed. "It's not a big deal, but I-I'm scared to sleep."

Ava nodded and bit her lip. "Well, I can't promise you won't have a nightmare."

Sara tensed slightly.

"But," Ava quickly continued, not wanting Sara to go back to her distraught state, "I can promise that I'll be here. If you wake up in the middle of the night and need to talk or just- just don't want to be alone, I'm here, okay?"

Sara nodded and sniffed, relaxing once more. "Okay." She cuddled more into Ava.

She tried closing her eyes to sleep but immediately opened them back up when she saw Mick. She tensed again, her grip on Ava's hand tightening.

"Have I ever told you about why I started my podcast?" Ava suddenly asked.

Sara frowned at the random question.

"N-no." She whispered, not knowing where Ava was going with this.

Ava squeezed Sara's hand, "well, you see, I was sitting in your office one day when I realized that..."

She told Sara the story, making sure not to leave any details out.

The story was random and Sara probably wouldn't remember most of it in the morning due to how tired she was. Ava just wanted to give her something to focus on other than what'd happened that day.

Sara listened to Ava's voice, her eyes slowly closing as she started drifting off.

Ava realized halfway through her story that Sara had fallen asleep. She smiled and gently ran her hand up from Sara's hand to her arm before looping it around her middle to pull her closer.

She now let herself think about everything Sara had told her.

Ava still didn't think she fully understood what'd happened in the crisis, but she did know that it was having some long lasting effects on her girlfriend.

She didn't know how long it would take for Sara to process it, aware that the pain from it might never fully go away.

All she knew was that she wanted to be there for Sara. Through whatever she was going through, Ava wanted to be there for her. And she would be.


End file.
